There is something about a taper that just does not work for me. When I want a break from running, I take a break from running. When I want to run easy, I run easy. I do not like having a forced break and lots of easy running.
Why? My mind freaks out. I think I’m losing all my fitness [even though I know this is not true], I think I going to suddenly lose all my muscle – gain weight [this is absurd because any weight I gain right now from not running is likely water weight], and I pretty much just don’t feel like I should call myself a runner[yes I too struggle with this even after running 16 marathons].
Some people love the taper. I envy them.
I love running. I love marathons. I know the taper is a necessary evil. I have a love/hate relationship with it. It helps me run faster, but it makes me doubt.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about doubt.
I don’t claim to be the smartest person, and I certainly don’t have life figured out. I grew up in a Christian family, went to a private Christian school till I was in 8th grade and have always considered myself knowledgeable about the Bible and Christianity. There were years of my life when I was lost as I person and I feel like I lost God. I knew in my heart I was saved because I believed in God, but I didn’t really understand in depth what it meant to love God with all my heart. I didn’t understand why we sin and why it makes him sad, other than he said it was wrong.
I now get that the more I believe in Christ the more I am tempted and tested. Satan is a very real thing. I knew he was there but I never thought of him in the same way as Christ. He is literally around me. He lives and breathes doubt. He wants us to be miserable. He wants us to fail. He wants me to cross the finish line and cry tears of sadness instead of tears of joys. The closer I get to God, the more I realize that he is causing this doubt in my life, in my training, in my self worth.
Some of you may be laughing right now. I’m sure I have many friends who think I have gone off the deep end. [Heck if I was reading this a couple of years ago I would have thought I was going off the deep end] The Lord opens your heart and gives you understanding only when you are ready for it. I was not ready for it before. I’m ready for it now.
The devil makes me worry about whether or not I’ve gained a couple of pounds. He makes me wonder if my girlfriends notice that my butt is a little bigger or that my stomach is not completely flat. He makes me question anything and everything I do. He uses what he can to get to you individually.
You know that friend that always knows how to push your buttons. Well Satan is that person – he knows what buttons to push to bother me. He knows what friends will hurt me if we are fighting, he knows that my core hurts when I get in fights with my family, he knows that when I gain weight or don’t run I question my self worth, I question my fitness – I wonder if trying to inspire people is just a dumb goal. I wonder if people think I’m in to myself because I blog – I wonder I wonder I wonder. I’m not going to wonder anymore. The Lord knows my heart. Satan knows my heart. This is why he is testing me. God knows I will win.
Here’s my thought for today. I am taking a rest day, not because I want to, but because I won’t doubt today. I will believe in my training. I will believe God wants me to be happy. I will believe that fighting for my life and my happiness is something that I was born to do.
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