Do you ever wake up and think to yourself today I am different.
Do you ever make a change in your life and want to shout it from the rooftops or call all your friends and say no really so I am going to be different from now on.
I am different.
I am not the same person I was at 16. Nor the same person I was at 20. I am not even the same person I was at 24. I am today the best version of myself but FAR far from perfect.
To say I am a sinner is an understatement.
I have done so many things in my late teens and early 20’s that are embarrassing, terrible, and downright wrong – I don’t even want to remember them.
I am asking for forgiveness from myself for all the ways I hurt people. The people I hurt the most are people I loved. It makes me sad to think about, so I try not to.
I often I wish people were as forgiving as God is.
[I did it again. I brought religion into it.]
I formerly thought Christianity was all about rules. What you can do, what you can’t do. What you were doing that was so wrong and was going to help you end up in hell. I had been told MORE than a time or two by family members that I was indeed going to this horrible place.
So I rebelled. I did what I wanted. I lived how I wanted…..or so I thought.
I had no REAL self esteem. I got some every weekend by being the funny drunk girl in the room. I would make people laugh and dance up a storm. I thought I was having fun. I wasn’t.
I didn’t respect myself. I didn’t respect others. It makes sense. How can you respect others when you don’t respect yourself?
I was a good person who was confused about life, about friendships, about what the whole meaning of life really was.
I didn’t turn to my religion, because my religion had never helped me before. I knew what I did on a weekly basis wasn’t considered very Christian but I still considered myself one because I had FAITH that God was real, He had created the earth and that He would forgive me for my sins. [which I occasionally asked him to do]
I at one point even wondered why it mattered if you sinned. If God would forgive you couldn’t you just do whatever you wanted and then ask for forgiveness at the end of the day?
I compared myself to others.
I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted people to love me. I wanted to be the life of the party. I wanted to be athletic. I wanted to be that girl everyone wanted to be friends with.
I was none of those things.
I also compared myself to people who said they were Christians to what I thought a Christian was. Turns out YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DO THIS. I see Christians sin every day [hello we are human] and if you think Christianity and God are those people then you might start to hate God and Christianity instead of disliking what you see people do.
This is the biggest realization I have had in the past year. Before I would think to myself – if so and so is a Christian then I don’t want to be one. Look how that person acted. Look how that person treated me – and HA they say they are Christian.
I was blind to the fact that I was that person who claimed to be a Christian but wasn’t acting like one. I wonder if I ever turned people off? It makes me sad to think about.
Guess what even Christians make mistakes…..as do people from ALL religions. None of us are blameless – all I strive for now is to be a better version of myself today than I was yesterday.
|Even the flowers are feeling off this week|
Yesterday was a TERRIBLE day for me. I didn’t blog because I feared if I put my words out there they would only be negative and not well thought through.
A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps ~ Proverbs 14:15
I had a bad day for no reason in particular.
Raising three children 5 and under is HARD. So hard I want to cry at times, and do. I constantly feel like a bad mom. I feel like I don’t do enough. I don’t read to them enough. Play enough games. I raise my voice. I get frustrated. I get tired.
I woke up yesterday and could barely get my daughter off to school on time. Both boys wanted to play and all I wanted to do was sleep. I had gotten enough sleep the night before but for some reason I woke up and felt like a truck had plowed into my heart. I grabbed a pillow and lied down on the floor. The boys climbed all over me. Miles told me I had to help him get ready for school. I got up. I got him ready even though I felt like a shell of myself.
Caffeine – that is what I need. I went to Starbucks. Bought myself a Venti, no-foam, soy latte, and a cute little mug ornament I have had my eye on for a couple of weeks. [yes they put them out before Thanksgiving even happened]
I took Miles to school and then decided to do a little retail therapy. Maybe if I decorated a little bit of the house it would make me happier in my space today. Colton danced to the music in the store and I felt happy. Happy but still a shell. What is wrong with me? I thought…..
Colton fell asleep in the car and instead of going home I drove to Miles’s pre-school and waited in the line an hour early.
I took out my highlighter and opened my Bible. [I had grabbed it earlier when I walked out of the house, something I rarely do] I turned to Proverbs.
For the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared ~ Proverbs 3:26
I realized that the most I can do in life is change who I am from this day forward. I have made MANY MANY mistakes in the past. I have done things that I will never talk about again. I am no longer that person. Yes she is me, but she does not define me, nor am I her anymore.
Every single thing that has happened or not happened in my life has brought me to this day. I am who I am today because of it. Every wrong turn in life was really a right turn. I am today who I am supposed to be.
I am not perfect.
I do not wake up happy every single day of my life.
I still cry, I still struggle.
But I am me.
I am the BEST version of myself to date.
I am authentic. I am real.
What I said a year ago might not hold true. If you happen to be one of those people who liked my blog and then went back to the very first post and read it like a book, you can see my growth. You can feel that I am a different person even through the words.
I will continue to grow. I will continue to change.
As I approach my 30’s I hope to look back on my 20’s and think WOW….you learned a lot. I pray that my 30’s are easier than my 20’s. That they are not as bumpy.
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails ~ Proverbs 19:21
I’m learning to love myself for who I am and not striving to be someone I am not.
This is me, asking for forgiveness from the many friends and acquaintances I knowingly or unknowingly hurt. Even if the hurt was just an unkind word. I want to live my life FREE of guilt.
I am shouting it from the rooftops. I am different today. Please forgive me.
It will come as no surprise I did not run yesterday. The days I struggle most are the days I know I need to run. I find it hard to find motivation when I feel blah. I often turn to running to fix my problems and though running can fix a multitude of issues it will leave you feeling empty if it is all that you turn to.
The heart of the discerning acquired knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out ~ Proverbs 18:15
I felt better after reading Proverbs and really thinking through the person I want to be in my 30’s. Maybe a run would have made it better, maybe not. A body, my body, needs rest – mentally and physically.
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed ~ Proverbs 16:3
I used to be a bad person, but I am not anymore.
A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed ~ Proverbs 11:25