I was going to title this blog – The Back Of A Cop Car vs The Finish Line, cause that’s where I ended up yesterday.

I’ve been struggling on and off for over a year with dizziness. It feels like what is described online as Vertigo, but I have been tested once by my regular doctor and another time by my ENT and both have told me it’s not Vertigo. I have been skeptical of the results because it doesn’t happen in “regular life” but rather when running and more specifically when running on the W & OD Trail. It doesn’t happen when I run on the treadmill and it hasn’t happened so far when I run around my town.

{I’ve been to other doctors and tested out other theories, but I don’t want this post to be about all that. When I figure it out, I’ll talk about it at length, to hopefully help anyone else dealing with this.}

I’ve skipped or backed out of more races than I care to count. I’ve had massive fears when I start a race that I won’t finish. I’ve said more prayers before races than I ever have.

Yesterday instead of finishing B & A Trail Marathon, a race I already had unfinished emotional business with, I had to walk off the course a little after 10 miles and have a volunteer help me. To stay warm I ended up in the back of a cop car watching runners go down the trail I so desperately wanted to be running on.

I started out too fast for what I was trying to run that day and literally cursed myself immediately after that first mile. Not because I can’t run that pace for 26.2 miles but because the dizziness comes on more often when I push it. I didn’t want to risk it that day.

While crossing over one of the bridges in the early miles, I started to feel the trail close in on me AND I prayed with all my might. I didn’t fall in to the self-pity trap of WHY ME? WHY TODAY? I just said Dear Lord please let it be in the cards for me today to finish this race. I’m not asking because I don’t want to feel embarrassed or stupid {Because once upon a time that would have been the only thing I was worried about} I’m simply asking because I know if I walk off this race today, it’s going to in some way affect me for a long time. I don’t want to not finish something I’ve started.

I’ve been praying my entire life, about big things and little things. I do truly believe that God listens to all prayers. He doesn’t just listen to the big prayers, I believe He listens to all the silly things we pray about too. I do however know 100 percent that He doesn’t answer every prayer. Listening is different from answering. I recognize that not everyone believes in God or praying, but I do, and in documenting my life, it would be ridiculous to deny the fact that I pray about my running.

I recently had a friend whose husband died of cancer after a very long and draining battle. I believed that though his health was declining that he wasn’t going to die. I just assumed that God would answer their prayers and he would be miraculously healed because it was a BIG important prayer. So while I pray about running, I know that compared to the prayers of others, it may seem silly. If my silly prayers go unanswered – that’s ok, more than ok.

I didn’t finish the race I wanted to yesterday – but it’s a race – there are bigger things.

I’m not embarrassed today – I did what was best for my body.

I DO have a twinge of sadness that will pass, but it’s akin to the type of sadness that’s really not THAT big of a deal. It was simply one very long race that didn’t go my way.

Running brings me happiness, but my happiness is not defined by my running. 

Today I am thankful for the fact that I was able to finish Rock N Roll DC with the biggest smile on my face that I’ve possibly ever had in a race. I’m thankful I didn’t get dizzy while running The Great Wall of China Marathon, that would have broken my heart for sure. I’m thankful that I have awesome friends, who truly understand that this dizzy crap is really hurting me inside – me not finishing a marathon is the least of what they are worried about for my sake.

I’m thankful that the Lord has not tested my faith in large ways, like he is currently testing my mourning friend.

When I die, no one is going to list the number of marathons I ran, or say anything about #32 that didn’t happen. They will simply say, she loved running, and I do.

In closing, I’d like to share this blog post written about my friends husband…..

http://www.josh-martin.com/blog/2016/1/19/lessons-i-learned-from-ryan-davis

I want to live my life the way Ryan did, thankful for every moment. I want when I die for there to be standing room only at my funeral, much like there was at his.

32 will come another time and if it doesn’t, I’ll be okay with it. I have so much to be thankful for.

If you are the praying type I would love it if you would lift up my friend and her children <3

B and A 2016

xoxo Dorothy

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