I’ll start this post off with some things I am very thankful for:
– I have three wonderful, healthy, beautiful children
– I have strong legs that help me push these children for miles
– I am capable of running
– I am not injured and am healthy
– I am loved by Christ, despite my flaws

With that said….I’m tired.

I do not know how other people do it. There are so many things I want to be better at.

– I want to be a better mom. One who is slow to anger and does not raise her voice 2340982349 times a day.

– I want to teach my children more, instead of them learning from others.

– I want to play with them more, rather than giving them toys and asking them to play with each other.

– I want to have a career but I also want to be a stay at home mom.

– I want to blog more and take classes on writing.

– I want to freelance write more. I want to get paid for this.

– I want to read more. Books, the Bible, you name it. I want to finish all the books I already own, so I do not feel bad if I want to buy more.

– I want to keep my house cleaner. Not just wipe down the kitchen counters when they are dirty, I mean I really want to clean the dust that lines the floorboards, or scrub the toilets so I am not embarrassed when people come over.

– I want to visit my friends who live far away. Two of my best friends from high school just had their first babies and it pains my heart thinking about when I will actually meet them.

– I want to be a better wife. I want my husband to think he hit the jackpot in the wife lottery.

– I want my kids to grow up thinking that if they could choose their mom, they would choose me.

I want, I want, I want…..but no matter how hard I try to make time for all of these things, it seems there is never enough time in the day.

One might say, well then run less. After all it takes me at least an hour to get my three kids fed, dressed and ready to go for a triple stroller run. I run no less than 5 miles with them, because of all the effort it takes to even get them out of the house. Most often I run 7 – 8 miles on each run so that is about an hour to an hour 10 give or take. 2 hours gone out of my day already. Truth be told though, if I do not run I get even less accomplished than I already do.


Running is the only thing that gives me energy.

With every run I go on, I wear an invisible badge of honor that day. When I hear someone talking about running, I want to pipe in that I ran 8 miles pushing 3 kids this morning. I am not trying to outdo them, I simply want a pat on the back [it feels ridiculous even typing that].

I need this pat, virtual or real, to keep me going.

This morning on my run, I literally wanted to cry. I was feeling sorry for myself that on such a beautiful morning I couldn’t breathe because it was so darn hard pushing three kids in a triple running stroller up hills. I looked down at my thighs and tried to tell myself they looked strong. Instead I focused on all the cellulite I saw, and the fact that no matter how many miles I run, I will always be a bottom heavy girl.

I just wanted to run alone.

It’s stupid to say. I am thankful I have these three little people, I’m thankful I get to run, I’m thankful I have a triple running stroller so I can run.
   
Is it so wrong of me to wish that I could just lace up my running shoes in the middle of the week and run alone sometimes?


Yesterday I was feeling weak, so I did a timed triple stroller mile again. Last week I ran a 6:31 – my goal was to beat that.

6:05 – pushing more than my body weight in three kids and a triple stroller. 


I’m not being shy about needing a hug today. I need that 6:05. I need to focus on what I can do and not what I can’t do. 


One thing I have learned being a mom of three, is that you can not have it all. Whatever all is.



Comments

  1. Kimberly says:

    With each post, you never cease to amaze me. I often wonder how you do it. I'm a new mom with a 6-week-old. Just one. And some days, I'm lucky if I get out of the house for anything – much less a run. You give me hope that there's lots of miles to be had in the coming years.

  2. schjesska says:

    Hey!

    Yeah, I do understand. We always want to be better than we already are, always want to do more, to live more intensely, profusely and then you get fed up with that because you think you always achieve so little.
    Maybe this is true and maybe it isn't. I don't know, there isn't ever a time I think I do enough, that I am good enough, that I have enough time for the people I love. And I am not even a mother, just a student, who works as a tutor, who runs, who writes her dissertation. And let me tell you. It's never enough.

    But really? Who cares? Maybe it's never enough, maybe I will never be able to my expectations, but maybe trying, maybe trying to be the best version of yourself, even if you don't succeed every day, this is what living, what being human is about.

    So run. Love. Live. You're awesome.
    Hugs.

  3. MCM Mama says:

    {{{HUGS}}}

    I think every mom feels like she's failing in some way. We all do the best we can and sometimes the best is just being "good enough."

    We all have days when we want to run alone or even just be alone. It doesn't mean you are a bad mom or don't appreciate your kids. It just means you need a break and are human. Right now I'm at my breaking point and counting down the hours until one kid goes to a friend's house and then I get to go out to dinner with a friend without them.

    If you ever want to trek into Arlington and drop off the kids, you can run alone. I have a playroom full of enough toys for 5 kids and soon I'll have lots of free time. (Or if you just want to come hang out and see that not every mom is perfect, come on by.)

  4. Melisa says:

    I can totally relate to you Dorothy as I have 4 children. But I disagree with one point…you CAN have it all…it just may not all be at once. I have struggled with much of what you have, but have found that if I concentrate on one or two things (goals) at a time, I am much more satisfied with the results and life in general. I am now almost 37. I have 4 boys from age 3-13. I stay at home full time after having worked full time with my first three being a single mom to boot. Since Kaden is older now and will be starting preschool a couple days a week, I've started planning those goals I want to accomplish. As an example: I've talked about becomeing a certified personal trainer for several years. I found an online certification and am almost done. I'm also studying to be a certified holistic health counselor and will be seeing clients starting in Nov. 2 goals in the works. Meanwhile, I'm realistic in my goals. I know that while Kaden is still in preschool, I won't be able to devote all my time to my coaching practice so I'll be part time. My full-time will come when he goes to kindergarten.
    Life has seasons, and they are all different. If you spend one season wishing for another, you'll miss the beauty of the one your in.
    Lots of love–from one mom to another,
    Melisa

  5. All I can say is…Wow. I couldn't even crank out 6:05 by myself, let alone pushing a triple stroller. Just keep doing what you're doing. You are one amazing individual (and mom). There's never enough time in the day- you just have to focus on what is most important to YOU. :)
    Don't let people get you down- they're probably just jealous. 😉 Hugs from me.

  6. Holly @ RUST BELT RUNNER says:

    Gosh. Many of the "wants" on your list are the same as mine. I, however, do not have any children!

    Keep in mind that running keeps you healthy. As a healthy mom you can be there for your children and family. Your health is so important. Do not lose sight of that. Keep running!

  7. Jennifer says:

    I understand how you feel. I only have one child (so I can't imagine 3) but I also work full time and it's a very difficult balance between being a mom, wife, and employee, always feeling like I let someone down. There's so much I wish I could do that I'm afraid that my daughter and 2nd child will say "my mom didn't bake cookies with us because she was too tired from working all day." Makes me sad but I want them to have things that I wasn't able to have growing up. I envy your running abilities. I feel like if I could run more I would be a better runner but I'm content for the time being. Keep it real girl! I love your honesty!

  8. This is such a powerfully honest post, and I love it. I do not have any kids yet, but all of that other stuff you want to get done in a day – I feel that too. I get up early every morning to get in a run because I know if I don't, it probably won't happen (at least in the summer). Then the craziness of my day really starts (so like you, that run is my badge of honor to carry around). I love how you put it – about the pat on the shoulder.

    Anyway, thanks for the honesty. It is so encouraging to all of us who feel like we are in a similar boat – and it feels good to be affirmed!

  9. Kathleen says:

    I wish I could give you a big hug! I've been following your blog for a few months now and you have been one of my biggest inspirations to start running. I'm not kidding, when I'm dragging myself out of bed in the morning for a run, or I feel halfway through that it's just too hard, I picture you pushing three kids for 10 miles and I think, "If Dorothy can do that, I can for sure crank out these 3 miles alone!"

    No one can ever have it all, no matter what our circumstances. The best we can do is always strive for more/better without losing sight of all the wonder that surrounds us. What I appreciate most about your blog is how you make a conscious effort to express gratitude for all the good things in your life, even when you're feeling down on yourself and frustrated.

    You are an inspiration to me, as I'm sure you are to your family, friends, and hundreds of other blog readers out there. Don't be too hard on yourself – you're doing great.

  10. Audrey J. says:

    I don't even know what to say as a "comment" to this. I AM SOSOSOSO WITH YOU!!! Now, I will say I don't take my kids on runs because I have yet to find a quad jogging stroller (if they make one, I'm sure it's $$$$$), however, I get up (waaaay) before the sun so I can get my run in before the husband needs to leave for work. This results in me being quite tired later when the kids are fighting their naptime. Sigh.

    Your ENTIRE list speaks to me. I am right there with you and I want you to know that you are THE single most inspirational person I have ever come across. Seriously. I have referred lots of people to your blog because I think about you and your posts every. single. day. You motivate me. I have faith that I will, one day, improve my speed – even thought I swear I cannot run faster than an 8:30 mile.

    I wish I had more time. I wish we lived close and could get our many children together and just sit back and vent to each other and encourage each other. Thank you for being here!!!

  11. Karen says:

    Amen sister. As a mom of three as well, I get you, absolutly. I am also bottom heavy or thigh heavy no matter what I do. And no matter what I tend to only see that. Why do we do that to ourselves? I stopped running with the triple- we sold it and bought a treadmil. I run outside mostly, super, super early but if I have to I hop on the treadmill. Because when I run I dont want to think about another living thing. Its my time so that I can be on their time when I am done. You are good enough, you are an inspiration. Start to look at yourself through the same filter you look at other people. Hugs!

  12. Corey says:

    I have been reading your blog for a few months now and I am constantly amazed at how much you DO accomplish. I do not have children, but I am married (and COMPLETELY relate to the whole "wife jackpot" wish) and work. And I sometimes wonder how I am going to get all my marathon and triathlon training in and still be a good wife, friend, colleague, etc. Yet, I am constantly reminded how someone MUCH busier than me gets out and runs WITH A TRIPLE STROLLER and FAST too! You deserve that pat on the back and a little boost to remind you that you are FAST and since you are so conscious of wanting to be good at all those things, you are probably better at all of them than you think you are!

  13. SupermomE12 says:

    I think we CAN have it all,or at least "all" that we are supposed to have or should have. We are young, and kids grow WAY too fast as it is. I know it seems like your kids will be little forever, but trust me, you are going to blink and they are going to be in high school, and you'll wish life was as easy as putting them in a stroller and giving them some snacks. :)
    That said, EVERYONE has times where they get tired and worn down, and OF COURSE you wish you could go out and run on your own. That is not wrong at all. You are doing something incredibly difficult, and you are doing it faster than most of us can do without pushing three kids in a stroller. So you should feel proud, and when it super stinks to be pushing that thing, be grateful for how fast and tough it is making you. :)
    It sounds like the Nuun weekend is just in time for a great break for you. You are going to rock! Have so much fun.
    You are wonderful! Never doubt it. :)

  14. {lifeasa}RunningMom says:

    Thank you so much for your post. You are a truly amazing woman and I am so proud of all you do. And thank you for stating that you too want to not raise your voice as much as you do, want to be a better mom, a better wife, etc. I know exactly where you are coming from and yes, we must keep on running. Because running is what makes us stronger and allows us to be the best us we can be!

    Keep up the great work!

  15. Hannah says:

    I adore you! I could have written this post – wanting to be better at the entire list you wrote. All I can say is this…all three of my girls are in school now (just started yesterday!) and I have 2 or so hours alone in the mornings, now. I went out for a recovery run this morning while they were at school (I usually run really really early mornings, but slept in) and I felt GUILTY – guilty for having that time available when other friends of mine don't, feeling like I should have gotten up and run earlier, feeling like I should be doing something else with my "free time". It is so weird to be a Mom sometimes. We're all in this together. You're a strong runner, a wonderful woman, and an awesome inspiration to me. Hang in there. You rock.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Dorothy, hugs and pats on the back to you!

    You are not ridiculous for wanting a pat on the back for all your efforts. I want it frequently, and can get cross to my husband if he doesn't give it but gives advice instead. You know how guys are.

    Which brings me to a point I hope you do not mind my raising, because I started wondering already when you wrote your Overwhelmed post: Where exactly is your husband in all of this? Unless he works every waking hour, there must be time in the morning or evening when you can go running alone while he holds down the fort at home with your kids. You're already with them all day long; he can surely take a night or morning shift for an hour. Believe me, as a mom who's been both stay-at-home and full-time working, it's MUCH more relaxing to be at work: like 10 times more relaxing. So you don't have to feel guilty about asking him to do this if it's a possibility.

  17. Pemberton Family says:

    You have NO IDEA how much I needed to hear this post today. I am feeling EXACTLY the same way, I started back teaching today (3 months after having baby boy #3), only part time but still that 4:30 alarm is EARLY! Especially after I was woken up 4 times last night between the baby and my 2-year old. Everything you said I feel the exact same way, the only difference is I am afraid to say it for fear people will think I am ungrateful for my life and my kids. So thank you for saying what everyone else with three or more kids is thinking. It helps to know I am not alone and that others are going through the exact same thing. Hang in there, enjoy each moment with your kids and try not to worry about the baseboards (I so wish I could afford a cleaning lady because my house is the same way as yours, I am a very clean person but I just don't have the time or energy to deep clean right now). Remember that God is always there for you, when things are tough or not going the way you want ignore the mess, chaos, whatever and PRAY. I find it makes me feel so much better, it doesn't solve anything but it does give me some peace. I will be praying for you Dorothy. You are incredible and someone that I admire and respect. Thanks for being real!

  18. Michelle says:

    You truly amaze me and I have tears running down my face! I needed this so much today. I am almost speechless and am having trouble putting my thoughts down to you but I do want to say more than anything is you are such an inspiration to me in so many ways! Thank you and I am sending you huge virtual hugs!

  19. Christy @ My Dirt Road Anthem: A Runner's Blog says:

    You said it all! I spent a whole summer behind my double stroller and do not miss it. That said you are amazing with the triple stroller. I think it is hard to admit we can't do it all. I get so upset at myself some days when I am so quick to get mad at the kids. Ugh why can I not be more patient. I also wish i did not have to spend so much time cooking and cleaning, what nasty chores. Running is such an awesome thing and like you I am so thankful for it. HUGS

  20. Sarah J. says:

    This is why I love reading your posts and feel like you're another one of my girlfriends- you get it! You don't pretend to be perfect, pretend to know it all or pretend to have it all together. I can bet you that every mom out there feels exactly THIS way. I'm a mom of 3 beautiful girls with our first little boy on the way. To say I am overwhelmed with everything right now is probably an understatement, but the one thing I cannot give up on is my early-morning runs. They make me happy, less frustrated with my children and provide that time by myself that we so seldom get. We all have our battles to fight and challenges to overcome. I totally feel it's okay to say we can't do it all or just have a "bad day." We are here on earth to be tested, tried, to learn and to grow and there will be peaks and valleys along the way. Giving you lots of strength and hugs to know that YOU ARE ENOUGH.

  21. Amylee says:

    Here's your virtual pat from me!!! I can't imagine running with a jogger. I have only 2 kids, and I don't do it. EVER. I would rather get up at 5 AM or run after 9 PM just so I can do it alone. It just looks so HARD to use a jogger!

    And it's okay to have days where you are down. Use it to refocus, make little goals, and see what you think is most important to you. It's not bad that running is important- we each have our own thing. Running is VERY important to me as well.

    So, chin up. Cheer up. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

    And way to go on that 6:05! I can't do that without a jogger!! :)

  22. You are incredible. When I need some motivation to jump on the treadmill while my two kids nap, I come and read your blog. I talk about your blog all the time to my husband and tell him how I hope to be strong, dedicated and fast like you are. NIce job on the 6:05! When you feel like you aren't good enough or fast enough or strong enough, know that you give many moms like myself the inspiration to keep running and loving our kids:)

  23. Rachel McPhillips says:

    I am starting to see that its one big juggling act. To get xyz done, you have to drop abc.. You are a super woman and a ton of people admire you for what you do. Personally? I wouldn't do what you do. I would throw in the towel. I wouldn't push a triple jogging stroller. But I can't run 6 minute miles either. Chin up, dear. :) The internet loves you! :)

  24. Terzah says:

    I don't like reading the blogs of people who never complain, who pretend that everything is always perfect, that every run is a flight and that motherhood is a constant idyllic state. There are people out there who think it's their job in their blog to be a motivational poster. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn that my life isn't going to be like that (really no one's is). I pushed my twins in a stroller exactly one time before deciding I needed that time truly for myself. Since then, I either run super early, before they are awake, or leave them with my husband (he gets his own run/down time too–it's a trade). So you are already doing way more than I ever was willing to do–you rock! Good job on your mile! And you've earned that weekend relay–have fun.

  25. Great post-I don't mind complainy posts one bit! You are a wonderful writer! Big hugs!

    By the way-I'm 32 weeks along w/my first. I've read all your pregnancy posts (fantastic-you should really turn them into a book) I'd love to read a post about post pregnancy running.

  26. Lesley @ racingitoff.com says:

    I could echo almost every line in this post!

    -another mom of 3, who often struggles.

  27. Rebecca Samson says:

    I like to think the beauty of it all is that we aren't perfect. That's what makes you you and me me, you know? Even those that appear to have it all don't. One day you are going to look back on this crazy hectic life and miss it and think about all you have accomplished with 3 little people in tow. You are an inspiration! xoxo

  28. Marisa @ The Pace of my Life says:

    I think you are just echoing the feelings of most moms and many won't admit to feeling this way, but we all do. Doesn't make it any easier though. Hope you have a fabulous time at HTC this weekend. Sounds like a getaway is in order!

  29. Michelle says:

    Life/running is full of ebbs and flos. You have helped all of us to DREAM BIG. :) I try to think of life with children as seasons. We are all in different points. There are times my frustration level elevates WAY TOO MUCH just for the sake of running and I have to remind myself to JUST BREATHE. There will be a time and place for these little legs of mine to light a serious fire! :)I have to be content with where I am and not the rest of the blogging world. You are INCREDIBLE! I think all of your followers would jump at the chance to babysit your kids so we could send you out the door on a solo run. You would probably be back much too fast though and we'd have to send you out again! Thanks for sharing. We all need to hear that now and then.

  30. Corrina Beana says:

    What a great post. And I love that last line. There is SO much truth to that. I work 4 days a week and am home with my kids 3 days and I definitely get more done–whether it's at work or at home, if I've run or sweated doing some sort of exercise at least 30 minutes. I'm getting ready to start training for my first full marathon and I'm terrified and excited. Whether it's running or some other outlet, I think most moms–stay at home or working, would like a little time to themselves. I remind myself constantly that in a few more years, my young children won't be as demanding and won't require as much hands on work and care. Thanks for your honesty.

  31. The Samsons says:

    I think all of us moms could write a similar post with our own inserted complaints and long list of things we wish we were better at! We just pray really hard and do our best and trust God with it all :) Good luck this weekend!!!!

I love a good comment!

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