There are things about me that I wish were different.
As someone who previously suffered from social anxiety I have for the past 7 years or so forced myself into social situations in big groups that I had no desire to be in. I thought that this lack of wanting to be with a large group was because it intimidated me or something, so rather than let the situation get the best of me – I took it on, head on.
The older I get the more I realize that my dislike of large groups actually has nothing to do with social anxiety. I am fine in a big group – I can have fun – I am not afraid. I however feel more at peace in a smaller group. It’s why I much prefer to have a couple of close girlfriends rather than a ton of acquaintances. I want to put effort in to the things I do, the people I love, the friendships I want to foster – if I can’t give something my all I tend to shy away from it. [this is not to say that if you love big groups that you aren’t giving it your all – I am merely saying that I can only give something my all when I focus on a couple of things]
When I see a group picture of say 20 or so girls – I don’t think to myself man I wish I had been there. I think gosh I’m glad I missed that.
Is this weird?
Maybe yes, or maybe no. It’s who I am. I don’t need to fight it any more.
I don’t have the most friends in the world. I never will. But what I do have is the love of the friends I have. They can rest assured that I give them my all. I don’t hide things from them, I tell the truth and I probably talk too much.
I like getting deep.
This is why I know I will ALWAYS be a runner. When the speed has left my legs, and even when the distance is gone – I know in my heart of hearts I will still run.
Running is a close friend of mine.
I think this is why I am fine with running alone.
I thought to myself this morning – if you moved – would you search out a running club? Honest answer is no.
I would lace up my shoes and head out the door – alone yet not alone.
I’m going to stop forcing myself to be in big group situations and accept that it is OK that I like being with just a couple of people. I am going to accept that I prefer running with 2 or 3 people instead of 15, and that’s okay. I’m going to accept that I am different from a lot of people that I know and that is OK. The thing about life that makes is soooo special is that we are all different. I’m going to stop forcing myself to be someone I’m not and accept myself for who I am.
Do you find that you are more accepting of yourself the older you get?
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