I’ve been a little MIA from this blog, from time to time I take breaks as needed, other times I am so wrapped up in life that I don’t think twice about writing here. Other times I want to write but don’t even know where to begin.

I am telling you I don’t know where to begin…or end, or even what to really say….

My break started out as an amazing birthday week….I had so much going on that writing down my words was an afterthought. I celebrated 33 and felt beyond loved. For one of the first times in my life I really felt like I had it all. I felt like at 33 I had finally come to understand what that means and I certainly had it. Did that mean my life was perfect or without problems or issues, nope, but it meant that despite anything I was okay, more than OK, I was happy.  I had and have a family who loves me, I had the best friends in the world a girl could ask for and those friends that were crappy – you know the ones who talk crap about you behind your back – well those friends didn’t matter to me anymore. I was finally at a place where I could handle just about anything that was thrown at me. At 33 I had put my big girl panties on and I was ready for the rest of my life. More than ready, I was excited for all the twists and turns that life would hand me, life was beautiful no matter what.

 

Last Wednesday morning as I sat in Starbucks {yep – I’m back to drinking coffee after I stupidly declared about a year ago that it looked like poison to me and I was finished with it for good – my new motto is never say never}, my phone ran. It was my mother in law. I answered because I thought it was strange she was calling me, typically I’m the one calling her. She told me that Gary had died. WAIT WHAT? I’m so confused – what are you saying to me? She was like yes, Gary is dead, I have to go – I have to call {insert name}. Maybe these were her exact words – maybe they weren’t – I can’t remember it all clearly – all I know is she said Gary and I heard the dog. I heard what I wanted to hear. I called my husband after texting him I was confused…..I really thought the dog had died and as mean as it sounds, I WISH it had been the dog, oh how I wish. A dog I can get over, a dog I can feel sad about and move on, Gary, well there is no moving on from him being gone – there is a hole in my heart – that will never be filled.

I don’t need to explain the details and I don’t feel that it is my place to even air my personal life in this manner because though this is a blog about me, Gary is not my father, he is my husband’s father and so I am respecting my husband in not writing more than I am.

Eric and Dorothy Wedding

I can tell you that Gary died unexpectedly {at age 65} – he wasn’t sick and not one of us saw this coming. I can tell you that my world is rocked, that I feel like a shell of a human. That I am having a hard time finding joy in anything, that I feel immense pain at all times. I can also tell you that if my pain feels like this I can’t even begin to imagine what my husband is going through, what his mom is going through.

I’m a mess of a person. That sort of makes me laugh while typing, but it’s true.

Maybe we are all a mess in some way.

Maybe we all show the best sides of ourselves online or in person and only our close friends and family know truly how we are. I am at my core a really good person. I can say that with honesty because I believe it. I care more than I should and I really do want the best for everyone, friends and enemies alike. I am a continual work in progress.

All of us have flaws and I’m fairly certain I have more than others. I say things on a monthly basis I regret, I’ve done some super shitty {for lack of a better word} things in my life and though I strive to live a Christian life, certainly sin.

Gary, my father in law, who was more like a father than a father in law, loved me despite my flaws – he never judged me. He was ALWAYS there for me in a pinch and forgave me for any mistakes I made. He was someone who REALLY mattered in my life, someone who I wanted to be proud of me. His opinion of me mattered and helped shape my decisions. I was a better person because he was in my life.

He would joke with me often about running. After every race he would ask me if I won. I would explain that running wasn’t about winning blah blah blah or that I had run a personal best for me….but he laughed….in a loving way….I will never forget the day I was able to say – yep Gary I won that race – I came in first…..in all honesty he didn’t care what place I came in, or if I ran the race, it was just something to tease me about. As I would learn as time went on the more he teased you, the more he loved you.

The past 9 days have brought tremendous personal growth. I want to believe that everything happens as it should, but I can’t help but feeling angry at times, that my father in law was stolen in the middle of the night from me, from Eric, from my children, from everyone who loved him.

I know however, that this is how he would have wanted to go, no illness slowing him down, he would have just wanted it to end if it was supposed to.

Either way, I may be back to writing every day, or I may not write for a month. It’s where I am at. I have ZERO excitement about going to China to run the Great Wall Marathon, but it’s something I want to do because I do believe that Gary was really excited for both Eric and I to experience this.

I will forever miss him and I’m not sure how to move forward in life from here…..I’m not sure how to comfort my husband or even really how to talk about all of this…..

Right now it’s one foot in front of the other for both Eric and I. This is exactly how we will run/walk/climb/crawl? 26.2 miles in 15 days….

Life is a marathon and this is but one sucky mile….

Christmas Shots

 

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