I said it. They do.
After a weekend of totally overeating I needed to run this morning. When I say overeating I do not mean the run of the mill oh-I-let-loose and ate a little too much. I mean I ate a disgusting amount of food this weekend. Part of it was from being tired and wanting energy, some of it happened when I was feeling bored, a majority of it happened when I drank too many glasses of wine, and even more happened the next day when I was trying to make my stomach feel better.
As I got dressed this morning I searched for my capris. UGH – all of them are dirty? You have got to be kidding me? I grabbed a pair spandex shorts that I felt like I had no business wearing. I grabbed my bodyglide and stuffed it into my bag knowing there was no way I would make it through a run, in shorts, without my thunder thighs chaffing.
The run began like any other. The first mile felt painful. It made me doubt my abilities as a runner. Wine always seems to do that too me. Fun for the first glass or two and the devil the next couple of days. Yes, my body feels like crap the next day after drinking, but what feels the worst is my mind. My mind that mostly is my friend, that helps push me, suddenly works against me. It tells me I am overweight, it tells me I am not pretty, it tells me I am a horrible friend, it tells me I was in shape but no longer am, it tells me that I have no business calling myself a runner…..it makes me miserable.
Surprisingly the first mile was a sub 9 – 8:55. Dorothy you are okay – it was one night of drinking too much, one weekend of overeating, get back on the bandwagon – it is okay.
Mile 2 was even faster at a 8:44 pace…..my mind was going crazy. Literally anything that has been bothering me even slightly came rushing to the forefront of my thoughts. I tried to focus on my breathing but the only thing my mind would focus on, other than the negative thoughts, was my thighs rubbing.
I wanted to hate them. I started to think about all the things about my body I dislike. The melasma all over my face. The keratosis that covers my arms and now has begun to cover my legs. Both have worsened from pregnancy. I felt mad thinking about the dermatologist telling me that she could try and help both of those issues but that it would have to wait till after I was done nursing.
Mile 3: 8:24
As I made the turn around something happened. I decided to take back my mind. I decided to forgive myself for overeating and ‘over’ drinking. I switched my thinking.
I have flaws. I have insecurities.
I do not like talking about them.
I push them to the back of my mind and only write about the good things. I try not to blog on days I am down – choosing to attempt to erase those days from my memory.
As I pushed both of my boys in the stroller I thought about the things about my body I do not like, my perceived flaws.
Here is one of them:
I have cellulite on the back of my legs. There I said it. If you run behind me and I am wearing shorts, you are going to see it. You know what though? I no longer care. I am not perfect, emotionally and physically.
This body with all its flaws, moves faster than I ever dreamed possible. These hips have given me three beautiful children.
These legs get me to the finish lines of marathons and also help me play a mean game of Tag-Your-It. I love them – cellulite and all. I love them even though they rub.
I choose from this day forward to stop hating my body for anything I do not like. I choose to love it for what it is and what it has given me.
Mile 4: 7:57
Mile 5: 7:35
Mile 6: 7:33
I am a work in progress – emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically.