I’ll start this post off with some things I am very thankful for:
- I have three wonderful, healthy, beautiful children
- I have strong legs that help me push these children for miles
- I am capable of running
- I am not injured and am healthy
- I am loved by Christ, despite my flaws
With that said….I’m tired.
I do not know how other people do it. There are so many things I want to be better at.
- I want to be a better mom. One who is slow to anger and does not raise her voice 2340982349 times a day.
- I want to teach my children more, instead of them learning from others.
- I want to play with them more, rather than giving them toys and asking them to play with each other.
- I want to have a career but I also want to be a stay at home mom.
- I want to blog more and take classes on writing.
- I want to freelance write more. I want to get paid for this.
- I want to read more. Books, the Bible, you name it. I want to finish all the books I already own, so I do not feel bad if I want to buy more.
- I want to keep my house cleaner. Not just wipe down the kitchen counters when they are dirty, I mean I really want to clean the dust that lines the floorboards, or scrub the toilets so I am not embarrassed when people come over.
- I want to visit my friends who live far away. Two of my best friends from high school just had their first babies and it pains my heart thinking about when I will actually meet them.
- I want to be a better wife. I want my husband to think he hit the jackpot in the wife lottery.
- I want my kids to grow up thinking that if they could choose their mom, they would choose me.
I want, I want, I want…..but no matter how hard I try to make time for all of these things, it seems there is never enough time in the day.
One might say, well then run less. After all it takes me at least an hour to get my three kids fed, dressed and ready to go for a triple stroller run. I run no less than 5 miles with them, because of all the effort it takes to even get them out of the house. Most often I run 7 – 8 miles on each run so that is about an hour to an hour 10 give or take. 2 hours gone out of my day already. Truth be told though, if I do not run I get even less accomplished than I already do.
Running is the only thing that gives me energy.
With every run I go on, I wear an invisible badge of honor that day. When I hear someone talking about running, I want to pipe in that I ran 8 miles pushing 3 kids this morning. I am not trying to outdo them, I simply want a pat on the back [it feels ridiculous even typing that].
I need this pat, virtual or real, to keep me going.
This morning on my run, I literally wanted to cry. I was feeling sorry for myself that on such a beautiful morning I couldn’t breathe because it was so darn hard pushing three kids in a triple running stroller up hills. I looked down at my thighs and tried to tell myself they looked strong. Instead I focused on all the cellulite I saw, and the fact that no matter how many miles I run, I will always be a bottom heavy girl.
I just wanted to run alone.
It’s stupid to say. I am thankful I have these three little people, I’m thankful I get to run, I’m thankful I have a triple running stroller so I can run.
Is it so wrong of me to wish that I could just lace up my running shoes in the middle of the week and run alone sometimes?
Yesterday I was feeling weak, so I did a timed triple stroller mile again. Last week I ran a 6:31 – my goal was to beat that.
6:05 – pushing more than my body weight in three kids and a triple stroller.
I’m not being shy about needing a hug today. I need that 6:05. I need to focus on what I can do and not what I can’t do.
One thing I have learned being a mom of three, is that you can not have it all. Whatever all is.