I said it. They do.

After a weekend of totally overeating I needed to run this morning. When I say overeating I do not mean the run of the mill oh-I-let-loose and ate a little too much. I mean I ate a disgusting amount of food this weekend. Part of it was from being tired and wanting energy, some of it happened when I was feeling bored, a majority of it happened when I drank too many glasses of wine, and even more happened the next day when I was trying to make my stomach feel better.

As I got dressed this morning I searched for my capris. UGH – all of them are dirty? You have got to be kidding me? I grabbed a pair spandex shorts that I felt like I had no business wearing. I grabbed my bodyglide and stuffed it into my bag knowing there was no way I would make it through a run, in shorts, without my thunder thighs chaffing.

The run began like any other. The first mile felt painful. It made me doubt my abilities as a runner. Wine always seems to do that too me. Fun for the first glass or two and the devil the next couple of days. Yes, my body feels like crap the next day after drinking, but what feels the worst is my mind. My mind that mostly is my friend, that helps push me, suddenly works against me. It tells me I am overweight, it tells me I am not pretty, it tells me I am a horrible friend, it tells me I was in shape but no longer am, it tells me that I have no business calling myself a runner…..it makes me miserable.

Surprisingly the first mile was a sub 9 – 8:55. Dorothy you are okay – it was one night of drinking too much, one weekend of overeating, get back on the bandwagon – it is okay.

Mile 2 was even faster at a 8:44 pace…..my mind was going crazy. Literally anything that has been bothering me even slightly came rushing to the forefront of my thoughts. I tried to focus on my breathing but the only thing my mind would focus on, other than the negative thoughts, was my thighs rubbing.

I wanted to hate them. I started to think about all the things about my body I dislike. The melasma all over my face. The keratosis that covers my arms and now has begun to cover my legs. Both have worsened from pregnancy. I felt mad thinking about the dermatologist telling me that she could try and help both of those issues but that it would have to wait till after I was done nursing.

Mile 3: 8:24

As I made the turn around something happened. I decided to take back my mind. I decided to forgive myself for overeating and ‘over’ drinking. I switched my thinking.

I have flaws. I have insecurities.

I do not like talking about them.

I push them to the back of my mind and only write about the good things. I try not to blog on days I am down – choosing to attempt to erase those days from my memory.

As I pushed both of my boys in the stroller I thought about the things about my body I do not like, my perceived flaws.

Here is one of them:

I have cellulite on the back of my legs. There I said it. If you run behind me and I am wearing shorts, you are going to see it. You know what though? I no longer care. I am not perfect, emotionally and physically.

This body with all its flaws, moves faster than I ever dreamed possible. These hips have given me three beautiful children.

These legs get me to the finish lines of marathons and also help me play a mean game of Tag-Your-It. I love them - cellulite and all. I love them even though they rub.

I choose from this day forward to stop hating my body for anything I do not like. I choose to love it for what it is and what it has given me.

Mile 4: 7:57
Mile 5: 7:35
Mile 6: 7:33

I am a work in progress – emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically.

Comments

  1. Christy says:

    Beautiful said my lady!

  2. Holly @ Rust Belt Runner says:

    What a great post. I love your brutal honesty. I am better for reading this.

    I have the bumps on my arms too. HATE THEM.

  3. Allison says:

    Amen, sister! I felt like CRAP on my run yesterday from a weekend of total GLUTTONY, as well as deydration. We had traveled out of town for a swim meet for my oldest kiddo, and I completely neglected to take care of myself from a nutrition standpoint. But hey, like you said… my body gave me that kiddo (and two other awesome ones)… and he kicked butt and took names at that meet! Totally worth the dietary lapse! Onto a new week!

  4. crewser says:

    thanks for sharing. I find the honesty refreshing…we all have flaws, but that is what makes us real, human, and lovable, right? kind of like the velveteen rabbit.

  5. Not that you've ever run behind me, but if you did, you'd know that my biggest ASSet is all over the place! Also, I apparently love wearing shorts I have no business wearing.

    I swore I would never be the old lady wearing fitted shorts, but here I am…

  6. I hear ya!! I always think that the times I don't want to work out are probably the days I need to the most. Thanks for sharing!

  7. Clare - Never Niche says:

    I have cellulite too. Thank you for talking about it! I think you're gorgeous and admire you to pieces.

  8. We are all a work in progress. You are beautiful, strong and a mom, I think you're further ahead than most of us.

    PS, everyone has celuite. Once you realize that, you start to accept your own.

  9. Allison says:

    Cellulite here too! And a belly button that has been RUINED by an umbilical hernia for all 3 pregnancies. You'll never catch me running in just a sports bra ever again.

  10. TurnerLifeAround says:

    Your legs are also ridiculously strong and look awesome in that picture…I say if you ever come close to one of these thoughts again take a look at your profile pic holy smokes!! Id be willing to bet there are millions of women that would trade places with you in a heartbeat….love how honest and vulnerable this post is…you're a huge inspiration to me :)

  11. set2music says:

    GREAT post! And dang girl, you are FAST!!

  12. Your legs might rub, but they sure are fast!!! Love it!

  13. Run with Jess says:

    Bahahaha! Great post! Just love it. I have no problems with rubbing thighs as long as they rub fast and my my SportShield is near!

  14. mojamala2 says:

    What a great post! I just love it. And you are fast, maybe those first couple miles were just a warm up!

  15. Michelle says:

    Love this post! I'm sure I'll come back to read it more than once. Here's to being a work in progress – woot!

  16. Shellyrm ~ just a country runner says:

    ditto! ( your last line)

    Great post.

  17. Amen! All those things constantly are being thought in my head….and I hate that I always think them! Love your post…well said girl!

  18. Jim ... 50after40 says:

    I love the last line – don't think that gal's are the only ones who feel like this sometimes.

  19. yep
    printed and taping to my mirror. soooooooooooooo needed this today.

    you.are.so.awesome.

  20. Forward Foot Strides says:

    YES. No way am I wearing capris, when I'm going to sweat my behind off even just wearing shorts!

    And you know what, I think someone twice my size should wear those shorts too if they want!

  21. I love this! My thighs rub too. And sometimes I drink too much. And sometimes I eat too much. And it's all ok. Great post!

  22. Caroline says:

    We all are.
    I have some cellulite also. even after loosing more then 70 lbs and now being as my Dr say "underweight" for my height, I still have cellulite. same place you do. and like you I am (now) ok with it. You are wiser then me. It took me more years to get to this point. When I first started running 1 year ago I would wear basketball shorts to hide the cellulite, I am not kidding.

  23. theAlmostRunner says:

    just found your blog and i LOVE it! this is a GREAT post. thank you!

  24. Anonymous says:

    Great post! Thanks for sharing. I think your thoughts about your body echo what many of us women feel (way too often). Most days I am ok with my flaws, but I need to be this all of the time. Being a mom to 2 little girls makes this a top priority for me – healthy body image!

  25. Samantha says:

    Thank you! Whether it's my rubbing thighs, the melasma covering my forehead, or my saggy, baggy boobs, I go through this same mental exercise all the time and have to make a conscious effort to remind myself of all the amazing things my body has and can do.

  26. Sarah J. says:

    This is exactly what I need to read today. Being 11-weeks pregnant with baby #4, and seeing how quickly my body is already changing after working so hard the past 2 years to get back into shape and running hard, it's hard to focus on the negative side of pregnancy. Instead I'll start focusing on the beauty of my body being able to make this little miracle. Afterall, the running shoes will still be there after I've endured this kind of marathon!

  27. Sugar Knickers says:

    Thank you for such an honest & perfect post. My mom told me once when I was a teen "as much as you might not like your body, you can bet there will be someone looking at you & wishing they had your body." So true, I look at your race pix and sigh…."I will never look like Miles, she has a phenomenal runners body and I do not…" sigh. So please always know (and I am sure you do) you are so much harder on yourself than anyone else on the planet could be. I could care less about your cellulite, I am too busy harboring negative thoughts about my own!

    For me, I almost always feel like a rock star running, even though I am a 11-12 minute runner/jogger…I feel amazing when I am out there but then if I see a race pic of myself with my belly hanging out or my saggy arms and I get bummed because in my head when I run I look amazing. So hard to hold on to that positive self-image, step number one is voicing your feelings and moving on…you rock mama!

  28. wow, great post. we all struggle with these things and i felt like i was reading something i could have written. i hope to get to the place where i love everything about me, even my flaws.

  29. This is a great post! Thank you for sharing!

  30. Ashley Claire! says:

    Awesome post! My thighs rub too! haha! And I DEFINITELY indulged this weekend – both in food and drink. Sometimes a run is not only a cure for the calorie gain, but also for my pride :) hahaha!!!

  31. Ashley Claire! says:

    P.S. you are gorgeous!!!!!

  32. Elizabeth says:

    Yes I agree with Amy. This is a great post. We should embrace our flaws and not be ashamed!

  33. love this post – something SO MANY (um pretty much all) of us can relate to. We are so hard on ourselves but learning to love our imperfections is something we should all strive for.

  34. S Club Mama says:

    Good for you! I think we all have to come to that point of just loving our bodies. I have stretch marks like you would not believe – on my tummy, arms, legs, yuck. And I've lost a ton of weight but I still have extra skin on my stomach, my thighs (which really hurts when it rubs like it did today…so much for capris not letting that happen). I am not going to hate my body forever, so I need to just accept it. My legs don't run fast and are short but they get me where I want to be, they can chase after my kids, like you said, my big ol' hips have given me two gargantuan babies!

    Very proud of this post. Thanks for writing it.

  35. Nothing is impossible with God. It is Satan who always find flaws and insecurities that lead you think that way. There’s a verse in the Bible that says: I can do all things through God which strengthens me. Whenever you think you are sinking, remember those words.
    Argie recently posted..stretch marks on thighsMy Profile

  36. Becky Triplett says:

    Thank you for the motivation!

  37. This is a great post! I’ve been beating myself up lately because my weight has been fluctuating (and one of the indicators is that my thighs are rubbing again) and I’ve completely fallen off of my running routine I haven’t ran a race since November and the most running I’ve done lately is three miles on the treadmill, I still do a lot of cross training (soccer, boxing, bootcamp), but for some reason running makes me feel more accomplished. Anyway, your post made me think that I’m being too hard on myself, I need to just get back into running and it’s ok if my thighs touch and I have cellulite on the back of my legs.

  38. Wow. Amazing how we ALL have these horrible thoughts and insecurities. I struggle with these thoughts all of the time….I often wonder if it bc of where I live: Northern VA is so seemingly “perfect” with all of these beautiful, fit, “have it all” women….of course, intellectually I know that everyone has their “stuff” and that you can never assume what someone portrays is reality, but it is hard sometimes. Thanks for being so honest. And, my thighs rub together, too :)

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